The subject of vulnerability

السلام عليكم

Vulnerability. This word scared me growing up. I had witnessed so may people get taken for granted just for being vulnerable. As far as I was concerned, vulnerability was the same as weakness and that was a fact in my world. I vowed to never be vulnerable. To never ever show emotion more than I should.

I would never shed a tear and if I ever did, it would be as I buried myself in my prayer mat ensuring that no one but Allah would discover my ‘soft’ core. I would never let on that I felt fear. I despised hugs because they made me feel weak. If something bad in life happened, I would show my face with the biggest smile, and nobody would know about it. If they did, nobody would realize that it even bothered me. I would be that bubbly, outgoing personality that everyone knew. I was tough. No one and nothing could break me. I didn’t need any one and I could look after myself. Why? Because I was strong. Nowadays, I look back at that person I once was and realize just how wrong I was.

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage - Brené Brown

Vulnerability is an act of courage because you merge with your authentic self, instead of hiding behind a facade to appease others. It is within the unknown where your greatest potential lies. Human nature is imperfect, yet the paradox is that we are whole within that sphere of imperfection.

Putting myself out there, taking that leap, and showing vulnerability took a lot more courage and strength than it did to keep quiet and do nothing. It was a sign of strength when I could accept that I was in pain and could admit it. It was much healthier to allow myself to feel and acknowledge my problem than it was to hold it in and pretend I was fine. 

Depriving myself of vulnerability served as a false sense of self-protection that allowed people to see me in the way I wanted them to see me. But it also meant that most of my friendships and relationships went only surface deep. They were deprived of full truth, love, and acceptance. I didn’t want to be found out that I didn’t have it all together or that I didn’t have all the answers, I wasn’t perfect, and maybe I was much less than people’s perception of me.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it - Rumi

This kept my relationships at an arm’s distance. Isn’t it ironic that by doing that I became indeed vulnerable because that’s when I felt lonely and isolated. Vulnerability is a double-edged sword. By protecting myself to avoid getting hurt, I failed to appreciate intimacy and close relationships.

You see that’s the thing about this thing called the ego, one has to be wary of it and its aversion to vulnerability. The ego likes to protect its image and vulnerability is a crack in its armour. Vulnerability signifies weakness and the ego would do everything to defend itself. 

It became exhausting pretending to be stronger than I was. I was exhausted from always trying harder and exhausted because nothing I did was ever enough. I was exhausted because I didn’t give anyone the chance to hear me or to care that I was exhausted.

I would help others find solutions for their problems but I could hardly ever help myself. I didn’t want to let anyone down so I kept pushing through the pain of everything I was feeling. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and no one could see it. By making things look easy, it was hard for anyone to see. Part of me just wanted to just fall to my knees because I’m only human.

My association with vulnerability required a shift in awareness in order to strengthen my emotional well-being. There was no use erecting barricades around me while hoping at the same time for others to miraculously understand me for who I truly was.

Despite reading a plethora of self-help, transition, and other inspiring books I could get my hands on, it never seemed to make a difference. Something just was not connecting inside of me until I came across this verse…

وَخُلِقَ الإِنسَـنُ ضَعِيفاً

…And Indeed man was created weak {4:28}

So what if I was weak? Granted, vulnerability doesn’t equate weakness but what if it did? And so what? I’m weak please who will beat me? Jk. The human being is inherently weak. Nobody has this life thing all figured out. Being human is to be imperfect while constantly growing and adapting to your environment. As long as you’re human, you’re weak and that certainly isn’t a bad thing…

Allah says in the Qur’an;

لَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الإِنسَـنَ فِى أَحْسَنِ تَقْوِيمٍ

Verily, We created man in the best form {95:4}

I am a masterpiece if I do say so myself. Yet, all I did was focus on my ‘brokenness’ in the same way as a cracked oil painting when exposed to the elements.

The painting is no less beautiful because of its flaws. It is upon examining it up close that one recognises the defects, while ignoring the complete picture. That was precisely what I was doing.

This vulnerability thing I was so afraid of is part and parcel of being human (created in the best form). If being capable of expressing emotions was impossible, how come Allah chose for His Messenger S.A.W to display them?

I wanted to feel more, in fact I needed it. I needed to be vulnerable. I needed to wholeheartedly love and be loved. I realized I had to accept my vulnerability if I wished to live a wholesome life. Even the smallest act of letting my guard down was a commitment to my personal growth. Having the courage to be vulnerable, even when it felt insurmountable, was the first step on my journey to a wholehearted life.

Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging - Brené Brown.

Note ; If this is you, recognize that facing vulnerability takes enormous courage. Take baby steps. •Let go of the constant worry about what other people think of you. Most people are focused on their own internal struggles, not you. •Feeling overwhelmed? Focus your attention gently on your breath and the sensations in your body for a few moments before returning your attention back to the task at hand. •Don't worry about being perfect lol, in fact, don't even consider it. No one is perfect, and the more you hold yourself to an impossible ideal, the more easily you will give up. • Take that mask off! You need a place where you can express your vulnerability. A place where you don’t have to be the strong one all the time. •Make sure you have a you in your life. When you’re always the strong one, it is likely that you are always “that” person in everyone else’s life. But who is “that” person in your life? • Finally make lots and lots of du’a and hold on to the Book of Allah & your Salah.

رَبِّ اشْرَحْ لِي صَدْرِي وَيَسِّرْ لِي أَمْرِي وَاحْلُلْ عُقْدَةً مِنْ لِسَانِي يَفْقَهُوا قَوْلِي