How dare you? A letter to my Nafs.

From my drafts: 15.04.2021

I’m embarrassed. Embarrassed to say that you’ve been winning and I’ve been losing. Embarrassed to say that I haven’t been exerting myself, as arduously in worshiping Allah and taking care of my spiritual affairs as I do with matters pertaining to this world.

Who deserves more time than the One who created you and I? The One who provided us with clothing and shelter? The One who has given us far more than we deserve? Why is our heart engrossed in this world and captive to its vanities? Why do we harbour intense love for something so temporary? What happens if He decides to take our soul at this very moment? Would we spend the rest of our time in the grave regretting what we did here? What would our limbs say when asked eventually? How would they testify?

You keep trying to encourage me to set limits, hiding behind ‘baby steps and consistency’ to ‘achieve’ the most mediocre things, yet we are out there breaking boundaries; dunya-related boundaries. You make me forget that this dunya is only but a means to an end; that it should never be made an end. You make me lose sight of my final destination and why I was created. At what cost? To what end?

I have arrived at the horrifying realization that I have, until this very moment, been aimlessly chasing after the temporary, the test, the trial, the lower. ‘Afterall, dunya in Arabic means something of low value, undesirable.’ How is it that despite the literal essence, the definition, of it being so utterly cheap, do I strive so passionately for it? 

I have identified my mistake. It is that I often underestimate you, thinking I could single-handedly take care of you. That my love for Him is sufficient, a bond so strong that even you wouldn’t dare break. That’s a lie. A misconception. I can only overcome you by His will, with His aid.

Is my love for Him really that strong if I have to listen to the same set of reminders a hundred- and-ten times before I adhere? Is my love for Him as strong as I think it is if I can’t let go of the most basic things to please Him? Or am I so blinded by you that I don’t even notice what’s going on?

I have had enough of you. Enough of this. How can I claim to be unapologetically Muslim when you’re busy interfering in my business? Which unapologetic Muslim lets the dunya completely overshadow their love for the akhirah? How can I be in the dunya, without being of it? How can I strive even harder without you getting in my way?

I refuse to be swept up in the tide that carries us to our final destination, for you and I will indeed drown. This world is but a mirage because everything within it is temporary. One day, I’ll die and leave everything behind. Death will not favor me if I don’t try to overcome you. It does not favor the wealthy over the poor, nor the strong over the weak. Whatever it is I’m chasing, whatever it is you’re making me chase, will bear no weight upon death and in the akhira.

So I have decided. Henceforth, I will view myself as I should, a traveler in this world, for I am yet to reach my ultimate destination. I will, by the Will of Allah, focus my time and energy into striving for my desired destination in the akhira. I refuse to let you cloud my judgment. I refuse to let you interfere with my thoughts, to make me content with doing the bare minimum.

Let the battle begin.

Know that the worldly life is only play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children. [It is] the likeness of vegetation after rain, thereof the growth is pleasing to the farmer; afterwards it dries up and you see it turning yellow; then it becomes straw. But in the Hereafter [there is] a severe torment and forgiveness from Allah and good pleasure. And the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment. {57:20}

---

I originally wrote this in 2021 and never got to publish it. I decided to publish it today because I think a few people could benefit from it, especially at this very moment. We can’t keep being satisfied with the bare minimum. We can’t keep displeasing Allah knowing fully well that we’re capable of doing better. I don’t know who needs to hear this but make that intention now. Let that Haram relationship go for the sake of Allah. Let Music go. Let wearing wigs and fixing hair go. Stop fixing nails, even if temporary. Stop backbiting and telling lies. Whatever it is you think you can’t live without, you can, by the Will of Allah. How would you know if you never even tried? Two years later and I’ve significantly improved by the Will of Allah, Alhamdulillah. This battle is a never ending one. Start now. May Allah enable us to do and be better.

اللهم بلغنا رمضان