A Muslim’s Perspective On Dealing With Grief

There you have it.

Grief, there are no words to describe it.

“It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear, you almost feel ashamed that someone could be so important that without them, you feel like nothing.

No one will ever understand how much it hurts; you feel hopeless like nothing can save you.

When it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you could have all the pain back just to get another moment with that person that meant so much to you.”

Grief was something I had never really experienced until about a year ago. On the 19th of October 2019 (a day after he had passed), I woke up in the morning and it was just another normal day. Unbeknown to me, this was going to be one of the worst and best days of my life and my first true experience of grief.

I was washing my hair when I received a text message from a former high school acquaintance whom I hadn’t spoken to in a very long time. “Ambee, Just heard of your brother, Allah ya jiqanshi, Allah ya sa ya huta”.

I was completely baffled. Mind you I had 3 brothers so I had no clue where to start from. I was completely lost. Who could it be? Was it an accident? Did something happen? Was this real? As far as I could recall, they were all healthy so how, where, what, why? My mind was racing so fast, I was positive I had a million thoughts per minute.

I decided to call my sister to confirm. She uttered one simple sentence, “Wai ance mana ya rasu”. Subhanallah. I became numb. I was not angry, I was not bitter, I was sad yes but most importantly, I was thankful.

Why thankful? You see nothing in this life is promised except death. Allah Says in the Quran;

{Every soul shall taste death. And We test you with evil and with good as trial. And to Us you will be returned.} (Al-Anbiya’ 21: 35)

I was thankful because I got to spend years with him which is far more than a lot of people get to spend with their loved ones. He was not mine to keep, He had never been. He was a loan & it was his time to Return to his Creator.

There are different ways that Allah can test a believer. He tests us with what is good and pleasing to us, and He also tests us with things that cause our hearts to ache and souls to grieve

When we talk about pain and grief, the default human nature wants nothing to do with that. Ideally, no one wants to get hurt.

But the truth is pain is inevitable. How then do we deal with it when it inevitably reaches us?

Acknowledge the Source of the Trial

There is nothing that happens to us without the knowledge of Allah S.W.T. Not a leaf falls except that He is aware, and we should remember this whenever we are going through a painful trial. 

When we feel bonded and close to our loved ones the body produces the body’s “feel good chemicals” that include oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. Loss triggers an immediate drop in the feel-good chemicals and a rise in stress-chemicals such as adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine. These engage the fight, flight, and freeze response.

Stress cortisols lead to a cascade of physical, emotional, and mental symptoms. They cause elevations in the heart rate and cause blood to flow to the muscles in preparation for self-protection. This can lead to tension in the chest, shoulders, and a general feeling of unrest. It can be harder to simply slow down and take a deep breath which is exactly what you need to do at that given moment in time; slow down and take a deep breath.

That’s what I did; I paused to take a deep breath & even though a part of me was still in denial, I managed to somewhat acknowledge that he was gone & that Allah’s decree was & will forever be best. To me, this is the hardest step but once you get a grip of it, I promise you, you’ll be okay.

Allow Yourself Experience the Pain

One thing many people get wrong is having the perception that it’s a sign of a strong iman to bottle up your feelings and put up a brave face no matter how much something hurts. 

Yes, the Prophet S.A.W advised us to not wail and throw ourselves on the floor, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot express our pain. When he lost his son Ibraheem, the Messenger of Allah ‎S.A.W expressed his pain. 

Even years after the death of Khadijah, the Prophet S.A.W would express his love for her and the fact that he missed her. 

If the greatest human beings to walk the earth, those who were the most beloved to Allah (SWT) experienced such sadness, then how can we attribute our feelings of grief to lack of iman? 

‘Emotions were created by Allah and serve a purpose. Therefore, telling yourself that you “shouldn’t” feel a certain way denies an essential part that Allah has placed within you.’

It’s okay to talk about something or someone you loved and lost. It’s okay to feel sad that you no longer have them, it’s okay to feel the pain.

The neurobiological sciences consistently find that we have the power to reinforce the positive in our brains and bring about practical neurological changes to prevent grief from declining into debilitating depression. However, we make a mistake if we attempt to force others to abandon their grief by pulling away from them.

Thomas Meuser, associate professor of neurology at Washington University, and Samuel J. Marwit, professor of psychology at the University of Missouri, state that grief is our innate adjustment process to loss and, when ignored or downplayed, can result in complications such as depression and other co-morbidities.

That was exactly what I did. I downplayed my emotions for weeks. Ironically, my friends would call to comfort me and I would end up comforting them. I continued attending classes like it was nobody’s business. My classmates didn’t even know and when I finally told them, they said they never would have guessed.

I’d shed one or two tears in Salah but that was the only time I’d be vulnerable. If you know me, you know there’s nothing I hate more than showing vulnerability and that can be very deteriorating to one’s mental health. It was. To mine.

It wasn’t until I acknowledged it that I began to feel. Prior to that I was completely numb. I sat down one day & expressed myself to the best of my ability. One of the highlights of my life.

Find Things to Be Grateful For

I can’t begin to explain how important this is. Pain and grief often come with despair. They come with a feeling that Allah S.W.T does not like you as much as He likes His other servants. 

This is a trick of Shaytaan that can lead us to getting angry at Allah S.W.T or denying every good in our lives.

Find something else to be grateful for in your life, that reminds you that Allah S.A.W has been generous towards you, and you will In sha’a Allah find that your grief reduces.

Emily Fletcher, the founder of Ziva, a well-known meditation training site, mentioned in one of her publications that gratitude is a ‘natural antidepressant’. The effects of gratitude, when practiced daily can be almost the same as medications. It produces a feeling of long-lasting happiness and contentment, the physiological basis of which lies at the neurotransmitter level.

When we express gratitude and receive the same, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin, the two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our emotions, and they make us feel ‘good’. They enhance our mood immediately, making us feel happy from the inside.

I watched a Mufti Menk’s lecture on the importance of saying “it could have been worse”. You lose one loved one, you could have lost more than that. You become partially paralyzed from an accident, you could have been fully paralyzed. Whatever situation you’ve faced or are currently facing, objectively, it could have been/could be worse.

The best thing is to focus on what could have happened but didn’t & before you know it, you realize that you can never praise Him enough for He has done so much for you Subhanallah!

May Allah make it easy.

Use the Pain to Make Dua

The affairs of a Muslim is always good. If something good happens to us, it is an opportunity to show gratitude to Allah and recognize His favors in our lives. 

If something bad happens too, we know that it can be an expiation for our sins and a source of goodness for us. For example, every illness that a Muslim feels wipes away some sins. Looking at our pain from this perspective, we should try our best to make dua during the pain. 

Ask Allah S.A.W for relief from the pain, for it to be an expiation of your sins, to be a source of you moving closer to Him, and for the pain to bring you happiness and comfort in the end.

Talk to Him in Salah. He is As-Samee & Al-Baseer. He also is Al-Qareeb, He’s closer to you than your blood in circulation.

Most Importantly, the best thing you can do is pray for the deceased. Pray as much as possible. The most important thing that will benefit our loved ones after their death is striving to pray for them and asking for forgiveness and mercy for them, and for Paradise and salvation from the Fire and also to give Sadaqah on their behalf.

The Prophet (S.A.W) said: "A mans status will be raised in Paradise and he will ask, How did I get here? He will be told, By your sons duaas (prayers) for forgiveness for you." (Reported by Ibn Maajah, no 3660; see also Saheeh al-Jaami, 1617)

CONCLUSION;

It’s human to be hurt, to feel pain, and to grieve for whatever bad things that happen to us. There will be days when you cry and can’t seem to stop and then there will be days when you feel guilty because you haven’t cried. Never feel that it’s wrong to express your sadness, but remember that as a Muslim, there is a beneficial way to express our grief in a way that brings us the best with Allah S.W.T.

O Allah, Al Ghafur; forgive Ibrahim Bello, Maman Fati, Baba Gali, Baba Adil, Babaa, Haj. Munina, Muhammad Baru, Muhibbah Idris, Khadija Sada’s Grandmother, Faisal M’s granfather, Faisal K’s father, Aisha Pantami and all of our loved ones whom we have lost and elevate their station among those who are guided. Send them along the path of those who came before, and forgive us and them, Ya Rabbal Alameen. Enlarge for them their grave and shed light upon them in it.