A Letter to my Everyday Overwhelmed Self

What if?

Such a small question – only two words long, and yet profound when paired with the right trail of words parading behind it.

What if you are enough?
What if you try again?
What if you believe that you can?

These are questions worth leaning your weight upon, and their answers are the foundation of a gift you need to give yourself. 

Dear me,

You and I go way back, to the beginning. We’re one hundred percent connected in a way no one could understand. We’ve cried together. We’ve stood together. We’ve shared amazing experiences together.

There’s so much I wish I could tell you, but simply not enough pages in the world to write it all down. I know how you feel. I know the exhaustion that stretches across your skin and the emptiness returning to your chest every now and then. I know you want to huddle in bed right now instead of writing this, but here you are, still doing it anyway.

I am proud of you, I really am. You’ve gone through some really amazing experiences and you’ve also gone through ‘hell.’ You’ve gone from feeling on top of the world to trying to drag yourself from the rubble of your own destructive doing. You’ve felt loved and hated. You’ve opened your heart and had it crushed. You’ve seen vulnerability and betrayal, grief and broken spirits. You’ve felt everything as well as nothing yet you still managed to persevere like the boss you are.

You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you. Your passion to make a difference in the world is unbelievable. You put your heart and soul into your endeavors and surpass any personal goal you set. Watching you do what you love and watching you make a difference in the lives of others is an incredible experience. 

I’ve learnt so much from you. You’ve taught me to put in effort, to not drown in my misery. You’ve taught me to not overlook the One source of permanence in my pursuit for temporary happiness. You’ve taught me to not become fixated upon the creation. You’ve taught me that everything, this whole world and all its contents, are a means to an end.

Your life is nothing more than a love story. Between you and God. Nothing more. Every person, every experience, every gift, every loss, every pain is sent to your path for one reason and one reason only: to bring you back to Him - Yasmin Mogahed

You’ve taught me that everything will be there to teach me the nearness of my Creator and my role on this temporary place called dunya, and to always have ultimate dependency on Him.

I was never the strong one, you were. I didn’t realize how awfully demanding it was to be the sole person that everyone relies on.

My greatest mistake was forgetting that even the strongest person gets drained and even the strongest person gets exhausted. At the end, that person is human before anything and that person is human like everyone else.   

I should have done more for you, I really should have. I left you floundering on your own, to rely on love and encouragement from others when it was I who should have held you up. When it was I who should have hugged you and praised you and appreciated you for all the beauty and life you bring to this world.

I didn’t do a good job of voicing my support when you needed it but I’m here now. I’m your biggest supporter and I need you to know that I’ve always been in your corner. Now more so than ever. 

I know you are going through difficult times right now. That life hasn’t given you what you hoped and hasn’t turned out the way you thought it would. I know you are disappointed and sometimes feel like a failure or that it is all your fault. But the truth is: you are not a failure nor could you ever be. You are enough.  

Try not to blame yourself for the things that aren’t you. The obsessive double-triple-quadruple checks. The irrational thought patterns. The tears that come and go without reason. The hollow days. The tired days. The shaky, sweaty days. The incessant moments of panic rising up out of nowhere, tackling you when you aren’t looking. The rants and the downhill tumbles aren’t what define you.

You are not a hopeless case or a lost cause. You are loved. You are loved by your Creator. Remember that He removes in order to replace. The removal, the reminder, is always a blessing, calling you back home. You are not in spite of your struggle; you are not because of your struggle. Struggle is only a place where you are refined, made stronger.

You don’t have to try so hard. The pain is not a character flaw or a quick fix. You don’t have to blame yourself for it or pretend it’s not there. Feel it. It’s okay to feel. Feeling takes strength.
It’s okay to be in pain. It’s okay to admit you’re in pain. But always remember: You are not your pain. You are living with pain, but the pain is not everything. The pain is, but you are more.

You can’t always be perfect. No one is. No one expects you to always get it right. If you did, you wouldn’t be human. Remember that each day is fleeting at best, and nothing stays the same for long.

Pay attention to your self-talk. Just because you think something doesn’t make it true. Remember to channel your energy in a positive direction rather than fighting against the inevitable.

There will be times where you feel like giving up. There will be times when you do give up. ‘Sometimes, it’s good to give up. Sometimes you must power through.’

Always remember to approach your emotions from a place of compassion. Instead of by-passing your sadness, learn to set an intention to move closer to it, feel into it, so you could digest it, rather than suppress it.  

Keep approaching your shield, until you reach the tender wounds beneath it. The goal is to not to get rid of the shield but to befriend it and get to know it, so it would no longer run the show.

It’s okay to feel. Dive into what you’re feeling. Soak in the emotions. Absorb the lessons. Just don’t swim in the waves for too long. And don’t you ever forget…

Fa Inni Qareeb.
Indeed, I am near. {2:186}

All you have to do is call. How kind, how loving, how caring. And not forgetting – how close- ‘closer than our jugular vein’ is He?

Note; To the stranger who reached out to me on Twitter, I’m grateful. I’m grateful that out out of all the people in the world, you chose me to open up to. You reminded me so much of myself & I hope this makes you feel better! May As-Salaam grant you & everyone reading this peace & happiness.